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My new blog

purple caged light.. hmm.. sometimes i know how it feels.. 

triskele

i'd really like to get this as a tattoo... it's called a triskele, and is drawn in one continuous line.  it's a celtic symbol and can have several meanings, some of which are: reincarnation, the continuous motion of time,and  the interrelation of earth, water and sky. the symbol is also related to the sun and the afterlife.  i think it's a really beautiful symbol,and would like to get it tattooed on my back or leg somewhere..if you'd like to read more about this or other celtic symbols.. check out.. http://altreligion.about.com/library/glossary/symbols/bldefstriskele.htm

my next tatoo... i already have the cross (sort of) now i'm going to get the dragon

grrr

well... i'm writing from denton right now.. in my sister in law's dorm room. we are house hunting in denton. my husbands father told us that we could find a house for 10 to 30 thousand dollars and if we lived in it as long as we needed, fixed it up, and then sold it.. we could split the profits. well.. we found a house for 38,500 dollars. it's a real fixer upper. BUT.. it is a cute house with a lot of potential that i wouldn't mind fixing up. however. now that we have found a house, his dad is starting to be wishy washy. "well.. let me think.. how much is a 4plex? how close is it to campus... etc, etc, etc.." so i don't know if we're getting this house or not. and the worst part is.. we're supposed to move jun 1st!! who knows where we're going to live!!
as if all this isn't bad enough, about the time we're going to be unpacking,and i'll be looking for a job, rob's dad is taking him to canada to go fishing.. i'm not invited, and i think rob's dad is promoting his irresponsibility: "don't look for a job and help unpack... come fishing with us!" AHHHHH his family drives me insane! at least i still love rob.

hello again

well.. it seems that i have not updated in quite some time... i guess that i ought to remedy that, hmm? let me see here. not much is going on at the moment. the reason i haven't written on here in so long is that about the time i got some good swinging friends and a good network going on the internet, my phone got disconnected (they tend to do that when you can't pay the bill). well, we were about to move, and didn't see any reason to get it reconnected until after the move (which was supposed to happen in about a week). the move got pushed back by no fault of ours, and we ended up moving in about a month later. the delay was mostly due to rainy weather and muddy ground. once we finally got moved in and the phone reconnected, we had to get the computer set up. unfortunately, it seems that my computer did not like being moved. we ended up having to reformat it, and the stupid piece of crap is still not working right (please don't ask me to go into it.. it's very frustrating)... suffice to say, i only just got the internet working about three days ago, and only now have i had the patience to sit down and write a little.
since i have been offline, there has been no swinging (obviously) and no talk of swinging, so i have no idea where that stands. i don't know if anyone in this house is ready or if it is going to happen, although now that i have the internet again, i am reconnecting with some friends who are interested in that again, and the subject is beginning to resurface, so i don't know. we'll just have to wait and see. speaking of reconnecting... let me aplogize to all you people who read my blog (JOE) who i have not seen in a while. all i can say is that i am a hermit by nature and rarely get out. i'm sorry about not seeing you often enough.. it's hard for me to get out in the real world... please forgive me :(
one thing i would like for anyone who reads this to keep in your thoughts for me: a friend of mine just underwent brain surgery for a ruptured brain aneurysm, and there are three more that they have found. keep her in your thoughts, ok? she needs all the "prayers" she can get!!
as far as i go... rob and i are both unemployed right now... don't ask why, though... it's a really long story. we're planning on moving to denton sometime during the summer, and here's the kicker. we have to move out of the trailer that my parents bought because they caught us smoking pot here, and now are going to make us take drug tests every month for as long as we live here. and rob and i feel like that's just a violation all around. i don't think she has a right to do that as the parent of a grown up or as my landlord. it's none of her business. we dont' even have a lease that we are violating! oh well. we'll just move again. BLAH!
not much else is going on. rob's student loans came in and we bought a shitload of new video games, so that's pretty much all we've been doing. email me and let me know if you have any questions, comments, concerns. love ya all!! manda

big day

well.. it's 4 in the morning now.. which makes it officially my birthday and my husband's and my anniversary. i am 23 years old, and we have been married one whole year... it's been the fastest busiest year ever. it's amazing how time flies the older you get. it seems like the wedding was about three months ago. and at the same time so much has happened, it feels like it was about five years ago. i still feel that getting married to rob was the best decision i ever made, and i have never been happier in my whole life. i love him so much, and could never live without him, my soulmate.

sweet rosie

well.. i think the only thing new that has happened since i last posted is that i got a new pet. i got the coolest pet i can imagine. i got a ferret. her name is rosie, and she is 7 weeks old, spayed, and descented. she is cute, curious, and lovable. so now i have 2 bettas (captain and smee) and a ferret. i wonder what the next pet will be? i would have been happy with the fish (it cost enough to get them set up in their own tank) but you just can't cuddle or love on a fish. and they really don't give a shit if you're home or not. now i have a little baby that wakes up when i walk in the room and begs to come out and play with me. my sweet rosie is one of the lights of my life...

hmmm

i don't really know what to call this one.. it's only a small bit of introspection and news. rob has thought about it (now that i have made contact with everyone in the western universe) and decided that he is not ready to swing. but that is ok. i will just have to be the responsible one and tell everyone to go to hell. as usual.. i get to deal with all the consequences of the decisions. my new job is going well. i love all the animals at petland and wish i could take them all home with me each night.. luckily we don't have any reptiles or scorpions for me to have to work with right now.. that would somewhat diminish my pleasure. our electricity was cut off this week and we had to go stay at a friends house. with no phone, no money, and trying to drive to tyler from flint to work each day.. it was pretty much a nightmare.. oh well. beggars can't be choosers i guess. i don't think i have anything else to say other than i still am thinking that i need time to be myself. the internet was the only place i got to get away from it all and say whatever i felt like.. now that rob doesn't want to swing.. i'm sure he'll expect me to get off the internet .. no reason to chat, now, right?? oh well.. cest la vie..

tied down

tempus fugit

sometimes i don't know what to do with myself.. there are so many people and things pulling me in so many direction. they all want my time and energy, and i feel like i have none left over for myself. there are things I want to do, and i feel guilty for doing them and not spending time or energy on other people who want it. i sometimes feel like i am being punished, although i know not for what. maybe this will subside in time as things in my life relax a little bit. i hope so. this week is so crazy. so many people!! my husband wants my by his side, my best friend wants to talk, the people i have started talking to online ALL want to talk to me at the same time, but that means everyone else is left out. i don't know who i should please.. i know it won't be me. it never is. i just can't leave everyone out in the cold so that i can have some time alone. i don't know how to tell everyone that i have to be me sometimes, and not a function of them. oh well. maybe after this week things will get better. here's hoping. by the by.. we are meeting with that couple tomorrow, and the next day i am getting my clit hood pierced (yay for me!) and i work all week.. and we might go to a swinger party in garland on sat.. so this week is out for anyone who reads this.. but check me later... i love you alll

update

well.. let's see what's going on lately.. rob and i have been posting on swing websites trying to find some couples to play with.. so far things have not been going quite like i planned. there are about a million couples on the internet who are flaky as shit.. have no time and energy to foster even a friendship, and would stand you up if given half a chance. if you read this and are part of a couple or a single female, feel free to check out my profile on swinglifestyle.com. my id is kahlan1227. i have the same id on couplestouch.com. there are a few couples we have met so far that have made things worth it, though.. and so we plan to continue, and in fact are having dinner with a couple this tues.. to see where things go.. i will keep you posted.. wish me luck!!

some days

i dont' know how to feel some days... i wake up with the sense that the day has already been wasted and that there is no purpose for me to be here. what is the purpose for us to be here. is there some all divine being watching out for us? i don't know if i can believe in that. there are too many good people in this world suffering horrible atrocities every day for me to believe in a loving god. and there is not enough divine retribution and justice for me to belive in a just god. right now i don't know what i believe in. i tried to be wiccan for a while but i think that i have adjusted the belief system a little bit. i do believe in good and evil, and i do believe that a balance exists, but i don't think that good or evil can be coalesced into any single entity; god, goddess, anything. i don't think that there can be any personality behind the forces of good and evil. it just makes the world too arbitrary. and i can't wake up each day and think that some diving being might get pissed off at me and strike me down because they feel like it. i do believe in karma, or at least a version of it. what you give will come back to you. if you are good to others in your thoughts, words, and actions, then you will recieve good things. however, the opposite also applies. and believing in a force of good and evil allows for those horrible things that happen to good people. it's all part of the balance. there is a balance in everything in life. day and night, good and bad, life and death... all the way down to the smallest things. at least ... that's my religious rant....

ancient echoes

synonyms

ribbons of black

in a black void

no love, no heart

cold unfeeling ice

dark wasteland

snow, rain, frost

suddenly color

waterfalls of light

rainbow of emotion

green, full of life

rich, vibrant, beautiful

heart overflows

love from the skies

aurora borealis

love, robert

intelligence, strength

rock of support

husband

 

written just after my wedding in december of 2003

blessed be

blessing chant

may the powers of the one

the source of all creation

all-pervasive, omnipotent, eternal

may the Goddess

the lady of the moon

and the God

horned hunter of the sun

may the powers of the spirits of the stones

rulers of the elemental realms

may the powers of the stars above and the earth below

bless this place, and this time, and i who am with you

landscape of a calm mind

the guardian of my heart

small atrocities

i came home today and thought about the small atrocities of life.
as i pulled into the parking lot i could hear the faint sounds of "silent night" being played in some apartment where people were celebrating with their families. i got out of my car and smelled the clean, cold air. the sky was black mottled with clouds; no stars, no moon. only the harsh artificial lamps and the oh-so-cheery glow of christmas lights. as i walked to my apartment, i kicked something and looked down to see what it was. a tiny branch from an artificial christmas tree lay among the piles of dead wet leaves. as i walked on, i passed more than one door with notes to friends, left unrecieved, the lights out, the windows cold and dark, their precious letters fluttering occasionally in the freezing wind.
such sad things, such small things. why am i so depressed that i see sadness in everything?

written december 20, 1999

thanks to you

i gave you a treasure
my most precious possession
you spat on it and left
it in the dust
you pretended to love and then
when my back was turned
you crumpled it up and
threw it away
what should i do?
i know i can't ever straighten
all the wrinkles out of it
it's permanently scarred
thanks to you
can i ever chance to give
it away again?
or will i be too fearful?
thanks to you

written june 3, 2000

vampyr

The cobblestones are rough under my feet and the street lamps cast dark uneven shadows across my path. The alley is deserted, the buildings long since devoid of life. My black cloak flutters in a cold breeze as my boots echo across the night. A bum staggers by in a drunken stupor, but I pay him no mind, for tonight I have a mission....
* 22 years earlier *
"Alaria." I heard my name from the shadows.
"Loius? Is that you??" I turned to see him step out of the darkness and i walked into his arms. "Louis, what took you so long? I've been waiting for an hour already"
"I'm sorry, love, but you know i have to wait until sundown."
"I know... but it's so hard to wait." I smiled and hugged him, revelling in the stolen hours between dusk and dawn. This was the only time I could see him. You see, Louis was a Vampire. He is ages old, but appears about twenty. Sadly, though i appear older than my age, I am only 14.
Louis and I had met in a back alley on a cold autumn night. I had been secretly been out drinking with some friends, and was walking home by myself (i know... not the smartest thing to do, even in 15th century europe). I had stopped at the corner, near a streetlamp, waiting on several men to continue on their way, when i saw movement at the far end of an alley. Naturally curious and with ale-dulled wits, i proceeded into the alley to find the source of the disturbance. The lamp light didn't reach very far, and soon I was in a corner shrouded in darkness.
"Hello? Is anyone there?" I called out. As i watched, a man seemed to materialize out of the shadows, almost as if he were an extension of them. He was striking, with eyes so dark they were almost black - from what the meager light showed - and a pale complexion, untouched by the light of day. He spoke, and upon the first deep resonation of his voice, I knew what he was. A Vampire. The living dead, tortured by hellish inner demons, and forced to drink the blood of all but helpless mortals.
Since I was little, I had been fascinated with the Vampire mythology, and had learned every thing i could find out about the subject (not that that was a lot), and had developed what my parents called an unhealthy obsession with gothic horror and Vampire lore. I had studied the subject intensely, and thought people who did not believe were fools - easy targets for a Vampire. I upheld these beliefs much to the horror of my few friends and family and became a constant source of irritation to them; but the harder they pushed me away from it, the more tantalizing it became.
However, this was the first Vampire that i had ever seen, and I didn't know quite what to say. Should I just ask outright if he was undead? If he wasn't, I could always blame it on the ale, the night, the shadows, anything. I decided to go for the direct approach. I had nothing to lose anyways.
"I know what you are." There was no hesitancy or fear in my voice.
"Yes," he stated calmly. "I've been waiting for you. For the right time." I looked at him in astonishment.
"Waiting for me? I.... I don't understand."
"It's really quite simple. You see, there are very few mortals who believe in us and pursue it so actively as you, and we make it our business to know who they are. You have great potential, you know."
"Potential? For what?" I asked warily.
"For the Embrace, for Becoming. You have many of the necessary traits and knowledges already in you." There was a pause. "However, I refused to Embrace you until you were at least of age -16. I personally find such youthfully Embraced to be clumsy and inexperienced their whole lives, and would wish that on no one... especially not you."
I was speechless. Here was the culmination of all the years of learning, questioning, and believing. There was actually a purpose to my existence, a reason for me. I was to be a Vampire. I knew it - in my heart, in my bones, and in the deepest reaches of my soul. It was there - the need, the want. All this time, I had been searching, and now I had found. I was filled with exhilleration to know that i could be one those dark, beautiful, mysterious people.
"Wait." I said. "I don't even know your name." He smiled, and his teeth gleamed white in the lamplight.
"Louis. Just Louis."
"Well, Louis, I accept your offer. At 16, I wish to be Embraced."
"Alright. Until such time, I shall serve as your guide, and I will teach you all of what you need to know. But I have much to do before the hour of dawn, and I fear I must go. I will return to you again at tomorrow's nightfall. Farewell."
And then he was gone. As swiftly as he had come, he melted back into the shadows, a true creature of the night.
* * * *
As i look back now, I see my naivete, and my blindness, for I missed the dark lust that hid beneath the polished exterior of Louis. But the world moves on, and so do I.....
* * * *
That was the first time I actually met a Vampire, and Louis was true to his word. He stayed with me, and I saw him nearly every night of the two years before I could be Embraced. He taught me many things - some good, some bad, some true, some false, some helpful, some only a beguiling farce - but all very necessary .
There were few memorable occasions during these two years, but I do remember one lesson particularly well....it seems to stick out in my memory. It was the night when I first saw Louis feed.
It was one of those cloudy nights, where the moon and every star in the sky is obscured by blackness. It was near summer, so the air was hot, sticky, and filled with a kind of tension, anticipating an oncoming thunderstorm. There was lightning in the distance, and a low breeze blew hotly.
Louis and I had come into town this night, though I knew not why. Generally the lessons were carried out at Louis's home on the far edge of town. But this night was different. I had questioned the need to be here in town, for I wanted to have my regular lesson, as it was only a few months until my sixteenth birthday and my embrace. We stopped at a tavern, and stood in the doorway, surveying the room. Louis selected a man sitting alone in a corner, drowning his sorrows in a mug of ale.
"That one." He said.
Although I didn't know what he meant, I followed anyway, obeying my future sire. We stopped at the man's table. He was obviously drunk, but trying to hide it.
"W-won't you join me?" he asked with a grin and a slur. Despite my reluctance, I slid into a seat by Louis, across from the man.
As we talked to him, we learned that he had just lost his wife, so Louis offered to buy him another mug of ale.... or two... or three. However many the man ended up having, by the time our little trio staggered out the door, he was very close to passing out. The man had very little wits left, and did not protest when we took a turn into a dead end alley. Although I knew something was wrong, I said nothing. Suddenly the man seemed to become aware, if only for a brief moment, of what was happening.
"Hey! This is a --" but he never got to finish that sentence as Louis delivered a sharp quick blow to the back of the man's head. He crumpled like a rag doll at our feet. Finally I found the courage to speak.
"Louis! What the hell is going on?" I demanded.
"It is time you learned what it means to feed, Alaria. He used my soon to be Vampire name. I could only watch in silent horror as the my beloved Louis sank his fangs into the neck of the young man, draining his life's blood.
He did not kill the man, but left him sleeping peacefully on the hard cobblestones. Louis was was completely drunk now, and I was repulsed. Although I had heard about it, and imagined it, it had never been quite this vividly, bloodily real. I immediately began to have second thoughts about my Embrace. But I said nothing. I silently returned home, and Louis disappeared into the night.
The next night, when i saw him, he told me, "Alaria, I know you don't fully understand what happened last night, and why it is beautiful to us, but you will once you have been Embraced."
I stared mutely at him, not knowing what to say.
"Don't worry, Louis.... I'll have no regrets."
* * * *
My sixteenth birthday - I stepped into Louis's house, a half hour after sundown, as usual. But tonight would be anything but routine. Tonight I would become a Vampire. Louis had told me that it would take at least all night and probably part of the next one, so I had packed my belongings beforehand, as I saw no reason to go back to my parents house after my Embrace. Normally I just sneaked back in before dawn, but I had the feeling that tonight would be both an ending and a beginning.
The first thing Louis did was tell me exactly what was going to happen, and why he must do it. In order for me to become a Vampire, he must first drain every bit of life blood from my body, and so my human form would die. Then he would slit his wrist and pour the blood into my mouth. Although I was nervous, I was also excited, and I knew that my Embrace would be the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.
To describe the actual Embrace would be to attempt to paint a picture of hell, both living and in death. I recieved my own inner demons that i would spend the rest of my unlife trying to evict. I gained an unearthly bloodlust. I lost my humanity. I died.
When I awoke, I seemed to be in that shadowy place between sleeping and dreaming. I knew that I was awake, but not really alive. The only thing I really felt was dead. I was tired and drained, but possessed a hunger for some unnameable thing. I had become a Vampire.
* * * *
The next several years of my life were tumultuous at best. I don't remember very much from the years ensuing my Embrace, for Becoming does strange things to one's memories - makes them foggy, slow, and hard to retain. There are a few gems that I was able to keep throughout the years, and I will try my best to tell you of them.

TO BE CONTINUED>>>>>>


written may 17, 2000

introspection

i look at myself, and i don't know if i like what i have become. the self-examination only seems to make it worse. maybe i could write about pain.... deep and everlasting. the kind i see within myself. the kind that pricks through the surface of your soul when you aren't looking. the kind that sends the stake through your heart and makes you swear never to care again.
man has a fascination with pain. everything we do is in the attempt to create or alleviate pain. love causes pain. man has created the idea of love to alleviate the pain of loneliness. i suppose i could even go so far as to say that love is pain. nothing about love does not cause pain in some form or another. ask someone who has lost a loved one. they can tell you of the agony that streaks their soul. ask someone who has been betrayed by a loved one. they can tell you of the misery on fire in their heart. you might say that i am a fool for thinking that love is pain, but i'm a fool who has had my soul burned down to the bare iron core by pain of love. there is no softness left for emotion. i have known love... the all consuming kind where someone is your entire world, and the soft deep kind where you know that you would lay your life on the line for someone. all it has gotten me in this life is pain.

written august 25, 1999

death poetry

drip
what little life was left is slowly bleeding away
i don't know how to stop it now
drip
it seemed like a good idea at the time
i guess it still does
drip
what a mess
i didn't mean to make a mess
maybe i should clean up
drip
i don't think
i can anymore
drip
i just don't have the energy
i'm so tired
drip
i think i'll lay here for a while
i'm sure i'll feel better soon....
drip....

written feb 3 1998 during a deep depression..